Is this the party to whom I am speaking?

I try to locate a primary care physician!

This is far, far more difficult than it sounds. I dutifully perform a search on my insurance company's website (Hi, Allstate! You and your "strategic alliances" suck!). The Family Practice/General Practice/Internal Medicine pull-down option looks right, and I search for providers in my area.

I make 14 unsuccessful phone calls based on my insurance company's search results (Hi again, Allstate! You still suck!):

• One is an urgent care clinic
  
• One is a pediatric clinic, no patients over 23
  
• One is disconnected
• Two are family practice clinics where the doctors listed have never worked
• Two are other family practice clinics where the receptionists at the first clinics think the doctors listed might currently work. This is incorrect.
  
• Three do not have contracts with my insurance company (You know the drill, Allstate)
• One is a Diabetes Center
• One is a regional hospital's main line

It is clear that removing my own small ankle tumor with a butter knife would have been less painful than finding a doctor who could do it for me.