I SWEAR Pittsburgh is messing with us.

We try to go to sleep!

Until I smell...OH GOD. It is one of the worst, most putrid  stank-nasty odors I have ever encountered. It practically knocks me over. "Did you do that?" I shout at the DNB as I plug my nose. "It's horrible!"

"It was like 2 minutes ago!" the DNB replies.

I wait half a minute then tentatively sniff the air. "How is it WORSE?" I try to screech, but the air is so thick I can barely catch my breath.

"I even did a test fart!" he yells after me as I head downstairs.

The smells seems to have settled down to the living room as well. THIS is why you don't get married, I tell myself. Because one day you will suffocate on fart, and all the women will be sad at your funeral and all the men will act sad but really they'll just be waiting till after the burial to high-five the DNB because DUDE, that thing must've been EPIC.

I flounce down on the sofa. I can hear the DNB upstairs moving around. Finally he comes marching down the stairs. "Ok, I sniffed around a lot, and I swear that smell is not me."

I roll my eyes. The smell seems to be getting worse in the living room. The DNB disappears into the basement for probably 30 seconds. Then he comes bounding back up.

"There is SEWAGE bubbling up THROUGH THE BASEMENT DRAIN," he announces, looking at me pointedly. He should be upset, and probably on the phone with our landlord, but instead he's completely triumphant. "Vindication is mine!!"

"Wow, are you serious?  Fair enough, I apologize for accusing you," I reply.

"The world needs to know how wrong you were," the DNB tells me, as he turns off the A/C to try to contain the smell in the basement.

"You didn't even realize it wasn't you for like ten minutes!"  But maybe he's right.  

Which is how I've come to be writing this post while in my 5th hour of waiting for the city water & sewer workers, on a 90 degree day, with the A/C off, in a house that smells like poo.